Moves Like Jagger

I keep looking for Mick Jagger.

It started when the rock and roll legend sipped a beer, unnoticed, in a dive bar.

Mick Jagger standing at Thirsty Beaver Salon all by himself with people sitting at other tables talking to each other.

If I were the folks in this photo, I imagine I would be kicking myself and having a good laugh when I saw this tweet the next day.

It's easy, and sometimes hilarious, to only see what we are expecting to see and miss what we actually want to see.

Looking from the back of a classroom at wooden student desks that are all right handed desks. A Large teachers desk is in the front of the room.

What else don't we see?

On a recent college tour with my daughter, I became obsessed the left-handed versus right-handed desks.

This is not something I ever noticed before having two left-handed kids.

In fact, I was slow to figure out why they kept asking me to open cans for them when they were old enough to do it themselves.

Worst of all, I blamed them for not persisting, instead of recognizing they were dealing with a right-handed system.

Meme with left handed child writing in a notebook and text that reads "his mortal enemy is the can opener"

Can openers worked for me and so I just assumed it worked for everyone. I only saw what I expected to see and missed what I actually wanted to see.

Headwinds and Tailwinds

That’s how headwinds and tailwinds work, according to writer Debby Irving.

When headwinds slow us down, we can feel their impact but when tailwinds give us a boost, we do not see systemic problems as easily.

Tailwind vs. Headwind. Tailwind with Three arrows pointing from the left toward the back of a large airplane with three arrows on the right pointing at the airplane with the word Headwind

Bounded Awareness

When we are experiencing tailwinds, we are especially prone to what Max Bazerman and I call bounded awareness. In articles here and here, we describe the phenomenon of not seeing, seeking, or using information that is right in front of us.

Seeing What Is In Front of Us

I try to help others (and myself) see not just what they expect to see but what is right in front of them and hard to see, like when ...

... men see women interrupted or white people see colleagues of color overlooked or people who are not in wheelchairs notice the desks are too close or straight people see how much humor is homophobic and ... these are all examples of when we get better at seeing what is in front of us.

Unlike the Jagger story, these moments are not just about not expecting to see something and not hilarious. It's easy to miss systems that are right in front of us.

A diverse group of professionals standing together and all have big smiles.

Because the stakes are higher, defensiveness and other emotions get in the way.

So, here is a great place for experimentation. If we can see more and be open to growing when we miss things, we are on the road to being what I call a good-ish person.

Self Care is Societal Care

Lately, I have been thinking that self care, or what I prefer to call societal care, is an important piece of seeing more. When we are more centered, less defensive, and more open, that has to be good for everyone.

Here are four experiments I am trying.

1. Rest more

My mind keeps going. My hand keeps scrolling. My hustle keeps hustling. And this has to mean I am noticing less (not to mention, burning out faster).

I love Ximena Vengoechea's beautiful and actionable new illustrated book REST EASY: DISCOVER CALM AND ABUNDANCE THROUGH THE RADICAL POWER OF REST. Type A like me, she has me convinced of her thesis: "When we are rested, we are able to access a higher version of ourselves."

Shifting my mindset about rest has been key.

2. Embrace white space

I sometimes feel guilty when I “just walk” without listening to an audiobook. Nicole Gulotta’s recent podcast about white space convinced me to consume less, not more, content.

I am thinking about those walks differently now - as moments when I can embrace white space, which creates the space to see what is right in front of me.

Wild Words with Nicole Gulotta A stock image of a lady drinking coffee. A description of the podcast episode Searching for White Space.

3. Meditate for a minute or two

Journalist turned meditation evangelist Dan Harris got me to do what parents and friends had been suggesting for years: meditate.

Meditation helps me be less reactive, which is very useful during moments when my defensive self wants to take the wheel. And research suggests that meditation reduces implicit bias (see here and here).

Two images : Dan Harris standing on the TED Stage holding his hand over his heart and smiling. Second image is the 10% HAPPIER Book by Dan Harris.

I love the 10% Happier with Dan Harris content because Dan is funny and relatable and reminds us that one minute counts (TED Talk, book, podcast, app).

I have also been using a quick DIY hack while in a meeting, elevator, bed, or the restroom: the "relax" feature on my fitbit guides me via gentle pulses through two minutes of slow breathing. It sometimes brings my heart rate down by 10 beats per minute!

A rectangle torn small piece of paper with green dots on it with a orange circle. Two arrows with one pointing into the circle and one flowing out of the circle. The words Super Slow in and Extra Slow Out is written on the paper.

4. Keep a journal

I know the research-based benefits and the compelling anecdotes. My therapist encourages me to do it. I love to write. I appreciate that it's a private way to notice and work through our emotions.

But I just don't want to.

Until now. Corey Hajim from TED.com gave me a breakthrough idea - voice memos (that are auto-transcribed by the wonders of smart phones). I have audio-journaled more in one week than I did in the past decade (and had fun doing it).

I am enjoying these four experiments in seeing more (while feeling less defensive) and hope you run some experiments too.

Maybe we'll even spot Mick Jagger, who just celebrated his 80th birthday??

Mick Jagger in concert smiling at the audience wearing a glittering animal skin suit with a drummer behind him on a smoky stage

Happy Birthday!

Speaking of birthdays ...both Cocoa Bean the Wonder Puppy and Dear Good People just turned 3! Cocoa and I have grown a lot and I hope you have too.

I can hardly remember what my life was like before he and the almost 10,000 of you came along.

Boston Terrier running through grass with tongue out. He is happy and clean.

I do know there were fewer baths involved.

This was Cocoa 5 minutes after the glorious pic above, having discovered the "mud bath" section of the park.

Same dog is lying in muddy grass and is no longer clean.

Oh Cocoa!

Book Club Time?

If your book club is reading THE PERSON YOU MEAN TO BE or A MORE JUST FUTURE, be sure to check out the book club discussion guides available for free here and here (as well as all past issues of Dear Good People).

I bet you will find the inspiring read you are looking for!

Dolly Chugh standing up against a wood fence and holding two books that she has written.

Until September,

Photo credits: Mick Jagger, Joshua Bell , Please Forgive Me Dog, Pinterest, Leftie Problems Desk, Tailwind vs Headwind, Sarder TV, Rest Easy, Ximena Vengoechea, Wild Words, 10% Happier Book, Super Slow In Extra Slow Out, IPhone image , Scott Lagato/Getty Images, Several images are personal images and Canva.

Acknowledgements: Anna McMullen, Modupe Akinola, Corey Hajim, Dan Harris, Debora Klener

Dolly Chugh is the Jacob B. Melnick Term Professor at the New York University Stern School of Business in the Department of Management and Organizations. She studies the psychology of good people and teaches leadership/management courses. All views are her own.