The Salty Paws

OCTOBER 2023

WE DID NOT SURVIVE HURRICANE LEE. IT WAS TOTAL DESTRUCTION. JUST LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF OUR DECK.

If you're getting this newsletter, Liana and I are most probably alive and sexploring the wilds of Newfoundland.

Exploring. I meant exploring.

So get ready for another mediocre, disjointed newsletter filled with spelling mistakes!!!

I'm bored already. Just so you know.

POINTS OF ORDER

I am going to keep things short this month to correspond with all your mayfly-like attention spans. Or maybe I'll just write a 500-page dissertation on the correct way to make toast. You'll just have to keep reading to see what develops.

1) I thought September's "We Love Hate Mail - Judy" was a laugh-riot. I laughed when I was corresponding with the real Judy. I laughed when I was editing it and putting the photos to it. I even laughed at the finished piece when I was sober. Some people told me they felt sorry for Judy and the bit was too long.

2) Now that summer is officially over, I can take down the sign that says: "Thank You For Not Spitting Your Gum In My Hair."

3) If you enjoy when I go off the rails complaining, click on THIS LINK to read the latest installment of The Harbor Dogs' Stories.

4) In honor of the Maine Summer dying a noble death, here are some "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" ala Mad Magazine back in the day. Only I call it "Snotty Answers to Nice People Who Ask Me Questions in My Shop." Not to be confused with, "We Love Hate Mail" aka "Insufferable People Get Reamed With My Acrid Wit."

That much should be clear.

Enjoy it or not. I don't care.

NEXT......

THE LOVELIEST OF THEM ALL

Email: "My wife and I have been getting your newsletter for years, but have never been in your shop. We disagree about what you look like. I picture you as a stooped-over skinny guy in his late 40's dressed in droopy denim and with a chronic, deep-seated cough. My wife thinks you are a portly gent not unlike a young Santa.

What DO you look like?"

Me: I'm "Reluctantly Beautiful."

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I HATE HIM

Nice Woman in the Shop: "I LOVE your shop!!!"

Me: "It IS a pretty and eye-catching shop. But I should warn you that the owner is a not-at-all good man and has been seen in the local supermarket pushing his finger deep into the plastic of the fresh-baked banana bread. He also whistles loudly and tunelessly everywhere he goes. I hate him."

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ACTUAL DRUNKEN TEXT EXCHANGE BETWEEN ME AND MY WIFE

Liana: Are you at Newagen? We just got here.

Me: I'm passed out on the public landing and I have a pet crab

Liana: Name?

Liana: Crabby?

Me: Pinchy

Liana: Crabby?

Me: Get your own damn crab, be-yotch

|--------------------------|

WORKING ME OVER

Me -- Sitting at the end of the bar at Newagen writing this.

Jovial Hillbilly Tourist Sitting Down Next to Me Screaming In My Ear: "YOU'RE NOT WORKING ARE YOU?!?!"

Me: "I was."

|--------------------------|

WRONG PRONG

Customer: "Do you have prong collars?"

Me: "Hehe.. Prong...."

Customer: "Well....?"

Me: "PRONG!!!!!"

Customer: "I just want a collar."

Me: "Right... Heh heh! A PRONG collar."

Customer: "I am going to punch you in the back of the head, set this place on fire and give you a bad review on on every social media site I can think of."

Me: "He Heh heh!!!! PRONG!"

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THE POOP DECK

Interloper: Do you sell poop bags?

Me: What?

Interloper: Poop bags. Do you sell them?

Me: What are you talking about?

Interloper: Bags that pick up your dog's poop?

Me: THEY MAKE BAGS THAT PICK UP YOUR DOG'S POOP NOW!?!?!?!

Interloper: < Incredulous Look >

Me: MMMMM MNNNNNN noooo oooooo...... I don't think so.

Interloper: < Stares at me incredibly >

Me: Just kidding. They're right over there.

~~ Don (Not a Dog)

WE LOVE HATE MAIL! - RAPID FIRE

Dear Fat Max;

I am writing to inform you that the manager of your Boothbay Harbor location on September 10th, 2023 was extremely rude and unprofessional. We should have expected it, as there was reggae music playing in the store. Reggae music promotes DRUG USE!

Also, I'd like to bring to your attention that the only Pug-related items at your Boothbay Harbor location are magnets. Pugs may not be as popular as Labs or Goldens, but they are surely in the top ten dog breeds.

When I asked the manager for the fourth time, "Is this all you have for Pugs?" he said, "No. I have 10,000 square feet of Pug-related sh!t next door. Also about 400 pugs."

I was flabbergasted that your employee would use such callous language and have that many pugs next door. It is prosecutable under ANIMAL HOARDING statutes in Maine. When I told him I was offended, he said I had the temperament of "...a viper addicted to its own venom."

My late husband and I visited all your shops in New England and found them charming and overflowing with Pug-related things. We regret to tell you that we will not be visiting your shops anymore.

Signed,
Some Crotchety Uptight Old Biddy
Blowinchunks, Delaware

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Dear Crotchy,

Our manager assures us that you do indeed have the temperament of a "...viper addicted to its own venom." He also tells us that your breath smelled strongly of Beefeater Gin and Orange Tic Tacs at 10 in the morning.

Furthermore, your dead husband is not welcome in any of our locations without proper State and Federal corpse-carrying permits.

Best,

Spanky
CEO and Little Rascal

Dear Fat Max;

I dropped by your Boothbay Harbor location around 3pm on September 4th to get a fuzzy lobster for my mother-in-law's Japadootese -- (Japanese Chin, Goldendoodle, Maltese) back in Polypsburg PA and the shop was CLOSED! The sign said the shop was supposed to be open until 5pm!

Not only am I furious that your company wasted my time, I wonder what example you are sending to the youth of this great nation. They deserve examples of healthy work ethics!

I shudder for the future.

Signed,
Stickler for the Rules

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Dear Sticky,

Our manager clearly states in his report that he left a sign in the window that said, "Sorry! Mother's bus skidded off an overpass and into the Maine State Sanctuary for Aggressive Polecats. My Mom and the the survivors are being attacked relentlessly, and I have a toothpick caught in my throat. Opening tomorrow at 10am as usual."

We agree that the manager did not follow protocol when his mother's bus fell off an overpass. He should have filled out a Form 1711E-90F and notified corporate so we could send over an AI robot to tazer potential burglars.

Rest assured we will force the manager to "Kiss the Gunner's Daughter" where he is tied across an iron cannon with his buttocks exposed where they will be flayed with a cat-o'-nine-tails until the corporate "Two Salty Dogs" tattoo is completely removed from his ribboned flesh. That is company policy.

After that, we will drop off our ex-manager in "The Empty Quarter" of the Arabian Peninsula with only a toothbrush, a copy of "The Night Hal Linden Swallowed a Nail," and a neon-yellow Speedo with a purple heart on the butt.

We would like to thank you for bringing this to our attention and wish you success in the rest of your sniveling, self-absorbed life of being the biggest tattle-tale anyone has ever even heard of.

Best,

Buckwheat
CEO and Little Rascal

To Whom It May Concern,

Last month's newsletter featured a photo of a half-naked man in his underwear taking a picture of himself. I found this DISGUSTING.

I immediately unsubscribed from your ghastly newsletter and issued a complaint with Maine's Attorney General to inform them of the FILTH that routinely flows out of this newsletter.

And to think this newsletter can reach impressionable youth without their parents knowing! You should be locked up!

Signed,
Prudence Shagwell

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Dear Shaggy

You mean this one?

Best,
Furlong Q. Poisontoad
CEO and Little Rascal

Dear Two Salty Dogs:

I just wanted to let you know what a great time we had in your shop this summer! Such a cute store, and the collars look SO good on our two labs! The help was so friendly and knowledgeable! But the best was hanging out with Auggie and Marz!!! We will definitely be back next summer! Our Christmas presents are definitely coming from your website!!

Signed,
Newly Salty in Giardia NJ

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Dear Newt,

I'm so glad all you smug bastards are back in the cesspools that spawned your minimally-conductive brain stems. Thanks for buying the collars, but do you understand the emotional toll it takes on me to be friendly to you? How maddening it is watching your ilk drive the wrong way down Commercial Street- oblivious to every soul screaming at you that you are going to kill somebody? And what about me having to politely wait in the "International Aisle" at the local Hannaford so you can spend 15 minutes choosing a ramen cup-o-soup?

Christmas be Damned Upon You.

Best,

Al Falfa
CEO and Little Rascal

That's it. Get back to work.

The Coal Shack

DEAR DOG!!!!!

As I said before, my wife, Auggie, Fudgie and I are on vacation in Newfoundland and can't be bothered. It's a lot like Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining" taking place in the cab of my truck.

So I'm just going to do what any giant, lazy load would do in the same situation: cut corners and not give a crap about my clientele.

Also, there will be a slight delay in sending out your orders. I get back on October 3rd, but until I can negate the freedom and clarity instilled in my brain by my first vacation in 10 years, there's no way I can return to the drudgery of my "normal" routine.

Now just cleanse yourself in the cleansing wholesomeness that was Coal at his 12th Birthday Party. Click on the photo for a full video.

I miss that dog.

Dog Bless.

HIMALAYAN DOG CHEWS

Right now, I'm writing this on the 8-hour ferry to Newfoundland. It's rocking back and forth and making me a little queasy.

And all the seniors packed into this tiny bar with deep, hacking coughs isn't doing my stomach very well, either. Say what you want about Covid, but I'm starting to appreciate the times when people slightly refrained from hacking up lung tumors and spitting them on the floor. And it would be nice if people put a hand over their mouth before sneezing millions of gobs of pestilence-ridden mucus deep into my ears.

Ah, the Old Days. Can't an old man remember? Now go fetch me another whiskey, Little Johnny.

ALL HIMALAYAN DOG CHEW PRODUCTS
NOW 27.99999919999% OFF!!
USE COUPON CODE: GOBS
<< Click HERE >>

SINGLE INGREDIENT TREATS

Maine-ly, these are just a bunch of severed animal parts that are either dehydrated or freeze-dried and fed to dogs.

Sometimes there's an errant bag of dehydrated sweet potatoes or something else weird like kelp in there. Not this time. We got rid of all that weird stuff. Only good, old-fashioned things like bully sticks, hearts, livers, tongues, brains, and our brand-new treat Awful Offal (Not Real. Please don't write me saying you can't find it).

It's enough to make a German delicatessen green with envy.

SINGLE INGREDIENT TREATS
NOW 26.666666666616% OFF!!!
Use Coupon Code: OFFAL
<< Click HERE >>

MOOSE ANTLERS

I can't tell you how many people come into the shop and loudly complain how expensive the moose antlers are. It's classified.

Most urban/suburban people just assume, like all their other dog toys, moose antlers come off the assembly line in China, are thrown in a container ship and are vomited out in Long Beach, where they make their agonizing migration to pet stores all over this great and free nation. Even to pet shops in the frozen wastes of Maine.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Once a year, I throw a bunch of salt licks out in my back 40 acres and go out and shoot dozens and dozens of moose. Like my intrepid pioneer forefathers before me, I harvest the antlers and just leave the carcasses there to rot. Do you know how much time that takes? And let me tell you, those carcasses STINK and draw out all kinds of other wildlife I have to end up poisoning with liquid mercury.

That's why the moose antlers are so expensive, Chumley.

ALL MOOSE ANTLERS
NOW 28.767671110963% OFF!!!!
Use Coupon Code: LOUDLY

<< Click HERE >>

NOT RAWHIDE DOG CHEWS

If you're expecting me to come up with some kind of "Rawhide / Not Rawhide" thing like I always do for these friggin' things, you are sadly mistaken, my friend.

I'm on vacation and I've sworn to rekindle my creativity and not drink so much when I practice the high-jump or write this stupid thing.

UPDATE: Liana and I divorced and married other people. It all happened so fast after disembarking from the ferry! We've let Auggie and Marz free, just a close swim to their ancestral homeland of Labrador. Don't worry about them, they'll just eat what nature intended them to eat -- Raw Food grows naturally up there. Good luck, guys!!!

Liana married a fish gutter from Blockage, and I married a trawler mechanic from Greasetrap. We've never been happier!!

Don't be sad. Liana, the dogs and I are happier this way.

Your orders might be slightly delayed.

NOT RAWHIDE LONG-LASTING DOG CHEWS
NOW 25.96599996% OFF
Use Coupon Code: GREASETRAP
<< Click HERE >>

Free Shipping on ALL Orders Over $75
Sale Ends 10-31-23 Pending any Canadian civil litigation.
Click Here to Forward this Newsletter to someone who pronounces it "KennYbunkport."

Sniffin’ Around

The Boothbay Region

BOOTHBAY HARBOR HALLOWEEN PARADE!

When: Tuesday, October 31st @ 4pm

Where: All over Boothbay Harbor!

Click the snippet above for:
0:15 - 0:20 - Salty picks a fight with Sneakers the Cat from Bath Savings
0:28 - Parade Begins
0:54 - 1:04 Handsome Coal Dog runs around
1:40 - Salty Rests
1:43 - Schooner the St. Bernard Distrusts Salty
1:50 - Selfie with Salty
1:57 - Caped guy jumps in car and takes off.

Every year about 500 youngish ghouls, goblins, and zombies terrorize Two Salty Dogs on Halloween.

Luckily, we have a giant white and black dog named Salty to protect us! And candy. We have lots and lots of candy to bribe those little suckers off from doing real damage.

The Halloween Parade starts on the Library lawn and winds its way all around town to all the businesses who give out candy to the little beggars.

The dogs will be there of course - trying to make sense of the whole thing. Sometimes we'll bring them out on leashes so they can witness all the craziness. And sometimes we'll dress 'em up!

DISTURBING DOG-RELATED KIND-OF HALLOWEEN CARTOON:

Click on Image for bigger view.

THE NEWS FROM MARZ

Its Marz's second birthday. Not only will he graduate to 24 brain cells, but his dumb bump will be fully developed.

What's a dumb bump? It has to do with the shape of a Lab's head. The flatter and more boxy it is, the dumber the lab. Specifically, the closer the back of a Labs head is to a 90-degree angle, the dumber the lab.

Coal's Dumb Bump was exactly 90-degrees. Don't get me wrong. Coal was a great dog-- loyal, fun, happy, handsome, fetch-crazy, and water-loving. I loved him so much. But he was as dumb as a knot of wood.

We sent away to get Big Dumb Buddy's Dumb Bump measured by Los Alamos, but the results are classified to this very day.

Marz's developing Dumb Bump puts both Coal and Buddy's to shame. It not only has an 89.73792204-degree angle (as measured by atomic clocks in Geneva), but he developed his way sooner than the other two boys. I'm excited to see how dumb Marz can get!

And Happy Second Birthday Young Boy!!

We love you!

The Harbor Dogs' Stories

(Formerly Max & Aug's Dog Blog)

BIRD TOWN

When I first started this newsletter, everyone skipped everything in it and went straight for "Max and Aug's Dog Blog."

Then I added "We Love Hate Mail!" and everyone just read "We Love Hate Mail" for an easy laugh and skipped the rest. Then I changed the name of "Max & Aug's Dog Blog" to "The Harbor Dogs' Stories" hoping it would pique interest back into the bit. So far, nothing has worked to make any of this worthwhile enough for people to click on it.

So, if you're one of the curious ones who have confusedly found yourself at this point in the newsletter, let me thank and perhaps entice you into going a little further. And be warned, should you dare click on the link below, you will be whisked away to a Wordpress site where I vomit up a regrettable Odyssey I had thrust upon me for the last several years and shows no sign of abating.

So grab yourself a hot cocoa or a wooden cup of some Amazon Tribe's saliva-fermented hallucinogenic mead and read "Bird Town," by Yours Truly.

See You Next Month, Punk

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