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In this newsletter:
  • Conflict is the beginning of consciousness - welcome it as an opportunity 
  • Stay away from negative people? Looking in the mirror!
  • Check out the most recent blog posts in CAOTICA
  • Find out about our e-books and training courses in CAOTICA store
"Conflict is the beginning of Consciousness"

So said Mary Esther Harding, a  Jungian analyst based in New York in the first half of the 20th century.  The tag line for CAOS Conflict Management is Promoting Mindful Communication, Growth Through Conflict and the articles and insights you will see in these newsletters and on CAOTICA blog will treat conflict as an opportunity for learning, connection and insight, a chance to become more conscious or 'awake' to how we respond to conflict. 

Conflict gets a bad press when the real cause of our suffering is our response to conflict when it is not directed towards the creation of learning, connection, insight. 

When we train mediators and conflict coaches we include an exercise called 4-word build where we ask participants to explore the words they associate with the word 'conflict'.

Often the outcomes from the group's exploration will be a set of words that could be described as 'negative', but occasionally words such as 'opportunity' or 'challenge' or 'change' or 'healthy' will arise because one or more of the participants have not had a negative association with the idea of conflict.  They may, in fact, see it as a useful event, a 'fertile soil' for the growth of new, refined, improved ways of doing things or seeing things or of relating to another person. 

Our Mediation and Conflict Coaching services are structured and practised in a way that takes this perspective of conflict as the starting point for supporting any individual(s) involved in a difficult relationship, communication breakdown, disagreement, dispute or other form of unresolved conflict in finding more effective ways of responding. 

Conflict is indeed the beginning of consciousness. Without it change cannot happen, and, because change is inevitable, conflict is inevitable.  The means through which the change occurs can be painful, or creative and invigorating, or both. With an openness to conflict as an opportunity rather than something to be resisted or avoided, it will be painful less often.

If we seek peace, here's another insightful quotation this time from Dorothy Thompson a journalist and broadcaster, also, like Harding, from the first half of the 20th Century: 

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict."

Recent Blog Posts on CAOTICA...

The 6 Underlying Philosophies of Mediation:

Philosophy  1 - Ownership   sorry this link didn't work in the last newsletter. 

Philosophy 2 - Supporting Empowerment 

Philosophy 3 - Impartiality - coming soon 
"Stay away from 'negative' people!" (?) - Looking in the Mirror in order to create connection and insight!

I have sometimes seen or heard the statement 'Stay away from negative people'  expressed by people who work in the field of self-development or who are themselves on a journey of self-discovery, and, of course from people who are feeling a little 'stressed' over a difficulty they are involved in.  

I am always a little bemused by the idea that we should stay away from negative people.

For one thing, isn't the very defining of another person as 'negative'  well, a bit, um... negative?

In which case do you have to stay away from yourself once you have defined someone in that way?
The Shadow - Artist: Steven Kenny
I guess that struck me as one of the reasons why the suggestion has always puzzled me, and, at times, I have to be honest, quite annoyed me.

First of all it seems to be based on a fairly arrogant assumption - that I am 'positive' and someone else is 'negative'. I have good days and bad days, most people do.

On the bad days I might see most people I meet as negative - mainly because I'm not 'conscious' enough to look in the mirror and see that most of the negativity I'm seeing is projected out of me on to the world around me.

Secondly it seems to be based in an insecurity - why would I concern myself with how others are if I am content in myself - and if that is the seeking that those who teach self-development or who are on their own path are concerned with, isn't it actually a positive challenge to be able to 'be' with anyone and feel at ease in their presence and learn to let go of the 'need' to label others as 'negative' or 'positive'?

Why might I be seeing others as 'negative' when in fact they are just who they are and it may simply be that who they are is not someone I am drawn to. But why I would need to go so far as to define them as negative? I don't have to like someone but I don't have to dismiss them as negative in order to justify to myself my reasons for not spending time around them. 

But I guess what strikes me as a deeper reason for my puzzlement at the statement is that it seems to stem from a form of denial - as if to be around someone who is 'negative', in our interpretation, is to risk having to acknowledge our own negativity and so we must turn away from them to avoid having to do so.

Ultimately, it can only be a reflection of ourselves and our own insecurity or discomfort in being around someone acting in a particular way. Instead of acknowledging the discomfort and learning from our insecurity, we project the 'problem' onto the other person and tell ourselves they are a 'negative' person.

The 'staying away from negative people' is both an avoidance and a competitive response to our inner conflict in seeing someone as negative. The recognition of our doing this can become an opportunity for the connection and insight aspects of the 3-cheers for conflict  described in CAOTICA blog and a move towards resolution of our own inner conflict in relation to the person(s) in question. 

And so, in line with the theme of this newsletter, that 'conflict' can be the beginning of consciousness - an insight into ourselves and an opportunity to learn why it is that the person is someone we feel discomfort around. We still may not wish to associate with someone having learned about ourselves from this......or we may then want to, but we have used the opportunity to see something in ourselves rather than dismiss the other person and avoid them or label them as 'negative'. 

There are  many examples of where this kind of experience is recognised so that we can then support ourselves in dealing with it: 

Jung called this the shadow side of ourselves and that we will often project it outwards on to others rather than acknowledge it and deal with its presence within ourselves.

Properly understood, projection is not a voluntary happening: it is something that approaches the conscious mind from “outside,” a kind of sheen on the object, while all the time the subject remains unaware that he himself is the source of light which causes the cat’s eye of the projection to shine.  Jung: Volume 14: Mysterium Coniunctionis


Byron Katie's 'turnaround' is an example of a way of using our projection to help us understand ourselves more fully. It is important to use the turnaround only after the 4 questions in The Work have been followed through to help us recognise the projection. 

Perhaps we can create a different starting statement:

Welcome the presence of people you see as negative, they have a lot to teach you about yourself


[And yes, my feelings of annoyance at the original phrase and my projection of 'arrogance' onto those who use it is something for me to work on too! :-) ]
Please let me know what you think about CAOTICA Newsletter and about any particular interests or questions you have in the areas of mediation, conflict coaching and other conflict resolution issues and I'll do my best to provide articles, answers or information in response to them.

You can let me know via reply to this email  or via this Contact CAOTICA page. 


Visit CAOTICA store for support with responding more effectively to conflict:
Guide to the Principles of Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution

Mediation Skills Training CourseJoin our  Mediation Skills Training Course being held in West London in March 2013.
 
Sammy, one of the trainees on our last course, was interested in mediating between trees that had fallen out with each other and was kind enough to let us take a photo of him in action......
A DISCOUNT OF 10% IS AVAILABLE ON ALL TRAINING COURSES IF YOU QUOTE 'CAOTICA' WHEN YOU BOOK
 
 
Alan Sharland, Mediator, Conflict Coach, Conflict Management Consultant and TrainerThank you for signing up to CAOTICA Newsletter!

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Best wishes 
Alan Sharland

Director, CAOS Conflict Management
Author of CAOTICA
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