The Art of Blanking Out

When I work with a team to define Shared Values or Guiding Principles, ‘open-mindedness’ shows up in the conversation every time. We all want it. We often feel frustrated or angry in its absence. We believe we’re doing it well, and we’re wishing others were better at it. What makes open-mindedness elusive? I postulate that we’re asking for the wrong thing. Perhaps it’s actually something else we want, not open-mindedness. Stay with me; let’s break this apart.

Definition: Open-minded – ready to entertain new ideas; receptive to new ideas; not closed or shut
Synonyms include: fair-minded, tolerant, objective, impartial, available
i.e.: I’m receptive to hearing your opinion.
i.e.: I’ll tolerate your views.

What I believe we’re wanting when we ask for ‘open-mindedness’ is:
to be listened to
to be heard
to be understood
to not be judged or criticized
to be free to see things in our individual way
to be validated

Working or living with someone who is ‘open-minded’ does not meet the above desires, though it is a good start. What people really want and need from one another is a deeper level of presence and attentiveness. I’ve been wondering how our conversations would shift if we were BLANK-minded?

Definition: Blank – Devoid of thought or impression, Containing no information, Empty, nothing filled in.

Blank-mindedness implies a complete emptying. My mind is not only open to receive YOUR viewpoint, it is also empty of MY viewpoint. Detached from personal biases, opinions, and evaluations. Having no personal agenda or pre-determined outcomes. The level of listening and conversation flowing from a blank mind cultivates fertile ground for shared understanding, growth, innovation, connection and trust.

Blank-mindedness is not an easily accessed state for many of us. And yet, with intention and practice, blanking out becomes easier and easier. A side benefit of being blank-minded is the authenticity and connection that we experience when fully present with another human being. We listen more deeply. We hear and understand more readily. Offering this quality of presence to another creates strong connection and is at the very heart of trust in relationships.

I present the three steps below as a starting place for experimenting with being blank-minded. In a follow-up post, I’ll write about how to shift our listening to a deeper level to further enable the blanking out process.

4 Steps for “Blanking Out” (who knew it could be a good thing?!)

Be present. Going blank is putting your full focus and attention on only the person and conversation right in front of you. Forget what’s come before. Reel in the thoughts of what might happen next. Philosopher Martin Buber said: “In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.”
Listen without evaluating. Stay attentive to your inner dialogue during conversations. Notice when you find yourself evaluating the other’s words or ideas, such as “He seldom follows through on that” or “That won’t be as easy as she thinks.” This is a form of judgment, which is often based in assumption and can lead us to premature conclusions – essentially the opposite of blank-mindedness.
Call on your curiosity. Curiosity is open, inviting, spacious – unattached to any outcome. Curiosity cannot co-exist where there is judgment and assumptions. One clue that we’ve shifted out of curiosity and into judgment is when we find ourselves “knowing”, as in: “I know where he’s going with this…” “I know how she feels…” “I know the way this is going to turn out…” Release your “I know” thoughts. ‘Blank’ your mind to what you know, and expect to learn something new.
That leads us to the fourth step: Believe. Believe in new possibilities. Believe that there is something new for you to learn or experience in any particular conversation. I heard a scientist once talk about the limitless nature of all there is to discover in one lifetime. We could explore, seek, inquire, observe for an entire lifetime, and not come close to “knowing” a fraction of all there is to know about our world and one another. That’s what makes life a magical adventure. Look for the newness, the magic, around you – even in familiar places – and expect to be surprised.

Many workplaces have become breeding grounds for complaint and blame. Behind every complaint is an unmet need or expectation. Often the person voicing the complaint does not own the conversational tools to express their need in a healthy or clear way. Complaining has become a comfort zone that is tolerated and even accepted. When nobody is willing to change the conversation, nobody wins.

Comfort zones convey the illusion of “safety”. But when complaint is allowed to continue, other negative communications sprout. To move the conversation forward requires tools to shift difficult interactions; Tools that the leader teaches and applies in order to:

Set clear expectations of behavior that will and will not be tolerated
Help team members ask for what they need in appropriate and constructive ways
Cultivate an environment where it is safe to ask for help and offer help; and where team members are willing to freely do so.

The first tool a leader must use is that of modeling. Others will know that the leader expects honest communication, not perfection, when he or she models the way. For example, tell your team when you’ve made a mistake or when you’re unsure of something, and then engage them in the problem-solving dialogue. It is important for employees to experience their leader as real, human – even vulnerable. What a powerful way to foster trust, respect, and commitment. And, you’ll also model personal responsibility, which is sadly missing from many workplaces today.

Below are 3 ways that you can minimize the ‘complain and blame’ game and raise the expectation of honest, clear, and accountable dialogue.

1. Make clear requests for what you want and need

Start by raising your own awareness. Pay attention to the things you hear yourself complaining about, to yourself and others. Write down your complaint and read it aloud to yourself. Then, look underneath the complaint by asking what it is that you were expecting or hoping for that did not happen.

Example, I notice myself complaining, “I’m tired of our meetings never starting on time.” What’s really going on under my complaint is that I feel disrespected because starting late wastes my time. What I want is to feel that you value my time, and I need you to work with me to start our meetings at the designated time. My request becomes: “It’s important to me that we start our meetings at the agreed upon time. Would you be willing to work with me on that?”

I changed my complaint, “I’m tired of our meetings never starting on time”, to a more empowered statement; a statement that clearly expresses my need, is honest, and asks for buy-in from the other.

Think through ways to express your needs using clear, non-judgmental language. Take personal responsibility by using I-language, such as

“I have a request…”

“I would like…”

“I need for us to…”

Be intentional about not using You-language, which may be met with defensiveness, justification, or excuses. For example, don’t start your request with “You need to…” “You shouldn’t…” “You don’t…”

1. Be Specific & Succinct

Practice succinctness. People tend to pay more attention to communication that is direct, succinct, and to the point. Prior to meetings, presentations, and other communication forums, spend a few minutes silently asking yourself or reminding yourself:

1. - What is my point? What are the main things I want to communicate here?
  - How can I best communicate my needs, clearly and succinctly? What words will I use? What words will I be mindful NOT to use?
  - What do I want to get out of this communication? What’s the goal here?

Practice specificity. Being specific AND succinct can sometimes feel mutually exclusive. In an effort to be succinct or to use fewer words, I might say, “That was a great meeting.” However, that really doesn’t convey much about my true thoughts to my listener. Being specific AND succinct might be, “I appreciate how we bounced ideas off each other in that meeting.” This increases confidence in both the speaker and the listener.

Shhhh. Listen. Shhhh.

I’m referring to hearing the other – empathic listening. Empathic listening means shedding our preconceived ideas, assumptions, and judgments. It means listening for the purpose of hearing, receiving, and understanding the human being who is speaking to you. Not for the purpose of providing “fix-it” advice, reassurance, or problem-solving. Philosopher Martin Buber describes this quality of listening:

“In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.”

When we listen empathically, we notice body language (theirs & your own), we hear mood, intention, emotion, and what may be left unsaid. The ability to momentarily set the task-at-hand aside for the sake of deepening the relationship builds trust and creates connection – required ingredients for an organization of engaged employees.

The Art of Blanking Out

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