Why Not?
May 2013
There are situations, people, and things we all want to avoid. Perhaps it's a passive-aggressive co-worker or a boss who doesn't understand boundaries. We often do so because we are uncomfortable and ill-at-ease with our emotions in that setting. A passive-aggressive co-worker may reveal feelings of jealousy. A bulldozer boss may unearth feelings of being a pushover. Therefore, it becomes easier (seemingly) to avoid rather than engage. Avoiding means not having to deal with the root of our emotions, be they rational or irrational. Yet avoiding often leads to the opposite desired result, instead increasing feelings of anxiety and discontent. The issue or emotion has simply been scabbed over, meanwhile becoming rawer and rawer, until something or someone sets us off. And then it's not a pretty picture - for anyone. It is therefore critical for each of us to lean into the conflict, situation, or feeling, as uncomfortable as it may be, to face, manage, and engage with the issue. Then we can develop a fuller perspective and better relationship with that other individual or situation. And if not, keep asking yourself "why not?"
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Sincerely,
Belinda Chiu, Ed.D.
Changing Perceptions
Some of our desire to avoid situations and conflicts are often based out of misperceptions of ourselves. We may think we are not "good enough," or that we are not "on the same level" as so-and-so. It's hard to - but so important - to remember that we are all equal, regardless of job title or function. No matter what you think of the Dove Real Beauty campaign (i.e. definitions of beauty), this experiment highlights so evidently how often we (especially women) are typically far more self-critical than we should be. We don't give ourselves the proper credit, be that physical appearance, intelligence, or capability, and end up selling ourselves short. By doing so, we then think we are "not good enough" to lean into uncomfortable situations or engage with difficult people. Our self-perception has far-reaching impact on many other aspects of our lives, so keeping a broader perspective may help us to be kinder to ourselves.
Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others.
Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval.
Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.
~Lao Tzu
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Avoid Avoidance
Have a tough situation or work with a difficult person? Engage.
Don't avoid: avoiding the situation may only increase your anxiety. Like the monster under our bed, our imaginations make it seem fiercer and more terrifying than it is - a figment of creative thinking. Of course, if the situation or relationship is toxic, then removing yourself is a wise course of action. Otherwise, avoiding simply exacerbates the issue and/or feeling. It may be counterintuitive, but just stop avoiding. It won't make things go away.
Lean in: it won't be a walk in the park, but leaning into the conflict and/or emotion will help you address the issue and heal. Just as peeling the bandaid off quickly gives us a big "ouch," it sure beats slowly doing over a period of time where the area becomes more irritated and infected. Let yourself feel the ickiness of the emotion, whether that be feelings of uncertainty, incompetence, jealousy, and so on.
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Focus on the facts: we often create a dramatic, worst-case scenarios in our heads. Remind yourself of the facts of the situation. Is your co-worker really trying to plot your demise? Is your boss really trying to sabotage you and fire you? What are the facts - not what you fear.
Find support: often, we avoid things because we think we are the only ones who is facing the situation or that no one will understand us. Well, guess what. You are special, but not that special. There are not many completely new situations that at least one other person in the history of mankind has not dealt with who can relate to what you are going through. Sure, not everyone will fully "get it," but they will be able to provide you with the support and perspective needed. Don't do it alone.
Change perspective: step outside of yourself and imagine that you are talking to a close friend with the same issue. What would you tell him/her? Would you tell your friend to avoid and hope the situation gets better? Probably not (if you are a good friend). So be a good friend to yourself.
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Equal Footing
Do you sometimes think you are "less than" or "not good enough?" Be kinder to yourself.
Remember you are equals: often, our feelings of inadequacy or incompetence in a work setting comes from us not feeling like we are "as good as" or "as important as" someone else. This prevents us from speaking up in a moment of conflict or sharing our ideas fully. Keep in mind that you are on equal footing as your boss, your peers, and those you supervise. Sure, you may speak to your boss with a more deliberate degree of tact, but a title never places anyone's worth over or below that of another.
Be kinder to yourself: it is true. We are our own worst self-critics. That mole you think everyone is glaring at and poking fun of? That slip-up you made at staff meeting? No one but you is focused on those things. They're noticing your smile, your great idea, and more often than not, they're too focused on their own blown-up self shortcomings to worry about yours.
Act out the Golden Rule: if you treat others with a glass half-full mentality, giving them the benefit, why not give yourself a break and do the same for yourself? Treating yourself on equal footing with others can help remind you that you deserve the same respect as you give to others.
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