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OA: Your “Letter to a Stranger” captures the dynamic of one parent observing another. How do you think one’s tendencies to judge others’ parenthood (and one’s own) shift with time?
You know that saying, “I was the perfect parent until I had children?" Once people have kids, their ideals (no screen time, all wood toys made from Belgium…) collide with the messy realities of actually raising humans. This is a good thing. We’re leveled—we parents. We’re humbled by the near-nonstop work, and I think consequently we’re more empathetic. At least, I am. I have very little room for judgment of other parents.
OA: To what extent did your experience quarantining with your family influence this essay?
This essay would not have existed without quarantining with my family. I’ve drunk zero Quarantinis while quarantining, and that likely accounts for the writing of the essay—it was my release.
OA: How do you find time and space for yourself during the quarantine?
There is almost no “time and space for yourself” while quarantining with one’s family, especially if you are a single parent or have small and/or disabled and/or medically complex kids. But I do try to prioritize even fifteen minutes of writing most days. This essay emerged from a Julia-Cameron-style “morning pages” routine I had clung to during the summer months.
OA: In your essay, you repeatedly speak to the relationship between mothering and the body. How has being a mother impacted your relationship with your own body?
What a fascinating question. I likely would have made the same observations about Vacationing Mom’s body before motherhood. Cellulite-free butts have always been a marvel to me. And her bathing suit was truly unique.
But certainly, being a mother impacted my relationship to my own body. I will never get over the mammoth mind-blower that is pregnancy. To put it simply: there was a person inside my person! I was, for eighteen non-consecutive months, a walking nesting doll. That alone feels like a koan, meant to break open a person’s paradigm. I still think parenting is one of the fiercest, fastest spiritual paths. And as with many awakenings, it happens through the body.
OA: How has American society and its systems failed or supported you (or both) during this pandemic?
I am floored that there isn’t a wider national discussion about the need to provide monthly stipends to parents right now, especially parents of young and/or disabled kids. We are educating our kids. It’s the state’s job, and we parents are doing it. Teachers are, too—they’re trying their best. This is nothing against teachers. But parents are beside their kids hour by hour, especially elementary-age kids and especially kids with disabilities. Studies show that this pandemic is having a colossally disproportionate impact on women, who are stepping out of the workforce in unprecedented numbers. Parents should be getting paid for the work that the state is legally bound to provide.
OA: What is the relationship between your identity as a mother and your identity as a writer?
I was a writer before I was a mother. When I was first pregnant, a writer-pal of mine, Joe Oestreich, passed along the wisdom he got from another writer: “Parenting gives you less time to write, but a deeper place to write from.” Nothing could be truer.
OA: What new project are you currently working on?
The pandemic makes working on a new book project impossible for me right now. But I am enjoying writing shorter things—mostly essays about the pandemic, such as this one. And I have a finished book manuscript I’ll eventually revisit: a memoir about a winding faith journey.
OA: Who are some exciting new authors you’ve been reading lately?
I’ve been reading Catherine Pierce’s amazing poetry. I loved her book The Tornado is the World, and she has a new book out this month, Danger Days. Go get it!
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